I am bisexual. I don't know that I've ever directly stated that to an individual unless directly provoked. It's not something I willing share with people for so many reasons. I love so hard in my personal relationships, but I don't feel that I'm allowed to love that hard if I'm loving a woman....when I'm talking to heterosexual individuals.
The fun part comes when you can't discuss your identity with the heterosexual community or the homosexual community. When the definition of your identity is something like..."they like a little bit of everything" or "they just can't decide, can they?". If I had to wager a guess, I'd guess that I am the pickiest person you know in terms of who I spend my time with and in terms of my romantic relationships. So it's really fun for you to infer that I'd fuck anyone....or really fun for you to infer from the label I place upon myself that I'm interested in everyone and anyone at any time. Your minimizing my personal connections to others based on one word - "bisexual" - is really fun for me. Because I have to deal with that word and its connotations every day.
I grew up never identifying myself. I didn't give myself a word or a definition based on my attractions toward others because I was accepted within my community-parents, friends, family, whomever. It was normal in my mind to feel attractions toward people. I never considered their genitalia as my deciding factor in if I would want to date them or not. It was a shock when I was in high school and realized that people wanted me to decide if I wanted a penis or a vagina. It took me a while to realize that I didn't want to make that decision because it didn't matter in the slightest to me. I cared how people treated me, and that was really about it. Unfortunately, many people see that as a cop out and not being able to make up my mind. Unfortunately, that's part of the stereotype of being bisexual.
These emotions and these feelings haven't just spurred from no where, obviously. They've been a long time coming based on my experiences and my interactions with others. However, it is absolutely unfathomable to me how anyone could harbor so much hate toward anyone, not even a group of people, that they would feel it necessary to end their lives. It is so unimaginable in my brain that someone could make a decision to kill tens of people based on something that actually does not affect them. Loving someone does not affect anyone who is not in that relationship. How other people feel the need to pass judgment or get involved in the relationship is beyond me. The fact that people continue to justify the right to bear arms is completely beside the point, in my mind, right now. The fact that a community of hatred has continued to be allowed within our country is the real issue. Gun control is important and is something to discuss, but hatred toward anyone is what is dividing our country to a point of people wanting to leave it.
So, what if I felt completely safe, physically, no matter where I went? What if no one in the United States was allowed guns? Do you think that it would change how I feel and am treated on a daily basis? I don't think so. Just because I'm physically safe, it does not mean that I feel emotionally safe ever. Can you imagine living day to day without being allowed to talk about anything personal or being threatened with losing a job that you paid thousands of dollars to get to? Is that a fair price for me to be who I am? Should I completely forgo my college education and my dream because I don't feel emotionally safe in the occupation I would prefer to be in?
What would happen if I had legal protection in my job? What would happen if I didn't lose my job, but I was isolated from my coworkers, the families of my students, and everyone else at work each day? What if I felt judged and shunned on a daily basis? My physical health isn't being threatened. Right? But, what happens when my mental health is suffering? Does that matter or does my relationship matter more to you?
I am emotionally threatened every day I go to work. Am I hurting someone at work by being in a relationship? Forget any sort of religious stance on my sexuality, but am I doing any fucking thing to another person by being in love? Absolutely not. Your relationship has absolutely nothing to do with me, and I would expect that mine would do the same. Judgment being passed about relationships has no place anywhere, and it's astounding that people feel that they are allowed to in relationships involving the LGBTQ community.
So, let me love my person. It has nothing to do with a presidential candidate, gun control, religion, or whatever else at this moment. It has to do with accepting one another and listening to other perspectives. I hope you realize that your judgment and hate won't change me. I will continue to be myself and love who I love because that is who I am. I am bisexual, and I am happy with myself. Unfortunately, others can't let that be.
Monday, June 13, 2016
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Growing Up an Introvert
I've taken many years to become comfortable with my introversion. I was never one to thrive in large group settings or desire that attention, but I did want to be a leader. I wanted a relationship that would allow me to be myself but that would also push me to reach out. The friendships I sought out were typically people whose personalities attracted me due to their passion and kindness and, frequently, their extroversion and humor.
While growing up, I never really heard the terms "introvert" or "extrovert" in relation to my personality or how I learned. I've read a lot in recent years about what defines an individual as one or the other and what that really means. In all reality, it's not the label itself that is important to me, but what it stands for means everything.
During elementary and middle school, I never felt limited by my personality, but I was given opportunities to thrive based on my strengths. My memory was strong, and friendships at that time were based on being in the same class as someone or liking the same boy band. I helped others academically at school and had the surface-level conversations that were typical of the age group. However, as I got into high school and as I progressed to different levels of leadership, I began to feel anxious about my personality and about what I desired.
During high school, I had a solid group of friends both in and out of my school. I was always welcome at various lunch tables, could carry on conversations about popular culture, classes, whatever someone wanted to discuss...but I didn't enjoy it. I despised small talk and the inane conversations I ended up having with so many people on a daily basis. I wasn't feeling fulfilled by many of my friendships-our talk of grades, tests, celebrities, and other people in the school frustrated me. The people who I was drawn to engaged me in deeper thinking and spent quality time with me in a way that I had never really had before.
I never dated during middle or early high school. My friends sometimes made fun of me because I was so uninterested in that world, but, in my mind, it wasn't that I wasn't interested; I wanted someone who I really connected with and who valued me. I hadn't felt that until I was a junior in high school. I was obviously gaining independence and freedom in terms of being able to drive and spending more time away from my household, but my thoughts and my understanding of myself also began to grow as I entered into my first serious relationship.
My relationship was a turbulent thing for such a variety of reasons, but what I really value from it is what I learned about myself both during and after it was over. While it was happening, I began to question values I had held my entire life because I had never truly thought about them on a deeper level. I worked to learn about myself and what I really believed instead of what the people around me said. I began to value actions more than words, because saying you want to do something or that you will is very different than actually taking the time to do it. I began to spend more time alone or with a smaller group of friends and I cut people out of my life that were not making me feel fulfilled.
After that relationship ended, my self-worth was semi-nonexistent. I felt like I had chosen to prioritize my relationship over nearly everything else in my life. My relationships, romantic or otherwise, are the most important aspect of my life. I care so deeply about the people I let into my life, and I am selective. It makes me nervous to get hurt, so I try to avoid it. Whether this is a wise tactic or not is up for debate. However, after this particular relationship was truly over, I struggled to find myself again.
I spent a significant amount of time alone and determining what genuinely made me happy without the influence of anyone else. My time alone was beneficial to me, and I enjoyed it immensely. It made it challenging to be more social though. The more time I spent alone, the more I craved it and was overwhelmed by loud and extreme situations. I'd always been better friends with extroverts, however, so this balance become a bit precarious. I worked to compromise with people, and my close friends learned to value my time to myself, because I needed it. So very much.
As I entered "adulthood," or my time after college, I feel that my introversion became more apparent to me. I had enjoyed socializing in college when I had the time and the energy to recuperate by myself after nights out with people. Once I was surrounded by others every day, all day for my job, I felt severely overwhelmed by the thought of socializing with large groups of people in my free time. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of others, because I do. I crave the closeness of good friends who I sincerely care about and who sincerely care about me. It's just hard to find those people or to have those people around.
I have come to terms with my own introversion, and I value my time to myself or with those I love and know love me. Recently, however, I have been struggling with my emotions when others want to spend time away from me. Put like that, it sounds exceptionally selfish, so I will attempt to explain a little more thoroughly. For me, I spend 8-9 hours of my day surrounded by people with few moments to myself at work and, ideally, 8 hours sleeping. The other 8 hours of my day really entail 1 hour of getting ready in the morning, 1 driving to and from work, 2 of doing chores/cooking/eating dinner/getting ready for bed/showering/additional travel time, and leaves potentially 4 hours for free time. For me, those 4 hours could include my doing extra work for my job or going grocery shopping or talking to someone on the phone, but do I really want to spend that small portion of my day with more people? Honestly, no.
If I'm spending the wide majority of my day with people, I want time by myself or with a person or two whom I truly love. I'm really not interested in spending that little time making small talk and making myself look presentable to people I don't know. It's stressful to me and drains so much energy from me. BUT-it's hard when those close to you want to spend those 4 hours you have with other people whether it be for work or because they enjoy that time and gain energy from that. It's challenging.
I'm finding it hard to not take it personally when people I care about are choosing to spend time away from me when I feel that I have so little time with them in any sort of capacity. I feel like I'm being selfish, but it's also so hard for me to comprehend intentionally choosing to spend 8 hours with people when it could be less time or the time could be chunked differently or so many different things. I'm feeling sensitive and slighted, and it's absolutely not fair for me to feel this way. We all have different needs, and I can't place the expectations for my needs on another, but how to find a compromise?
Being an introvert is hard and balancing one's expectations with an extrovert is even more challenging. The desires of another are complicated, and I feel that introvert's needs are especially misunderstood as antisocial. I don't feel it is fair to say that I'm antisocial, however. Socializing in large groups or with those I don't know is literally exhausting to me. What little energy I have, I prefer to save for those I care about, and I need my time alone to gain my energy back. It's a complicated system, and I am still working to understand my needs and the needs of others, but I think it is interesting. I want to continue to explore my emotions related to this subject.
While growing up, I never really heard the terms "introvert" or "extrovert" in relation to my personality or how I learned. I've read a lot in recent years about what defines an individual as one or the other and what that really means. In all reality, it's not the label itself that is important to me, but what it stands for means everything.
During elementary and middle school, I never felt limited by my personality, but I was given opportunities to thrive based on my strengths. My memory was strong, and friendships at that time were based on being in the same class as someone or liking the same boy band. I helped others academically at school and had the surface-level conversations that were typical of the age group. However, as I got into high school and as I progressed to different levels of leadership, I began to feel anxious about my personality and about what I desired.
During high school, I had a solid group of friends both in and out of my school. I was always welcome at various lunch tables, could carry on conversations about popular culture, classes, whatever someone wanted to discuss...but I didn't enjoy it. I despised small talk and the inane conversations I ended up having with so many people on a daily basis. I wasn't feeling fulfilled by many of my friendships-our talk of grades, tests, celebrities, and other people in the school frustrated me. The people who I was drawn to engaged me in deeper thinking and spent quality time with me in a way that I had never really had before.
I never dated during middle or early high school. My friends sometimes made fun of me because I was so uninterested in that world, but, in my mind, it wasn't that I wasn't interested; I wanted someone who I really connected with and who valued me. I hadn't felt that until I was a junior in high school. I was obviously gaining independence and freedom in terms of being able to drive and spending more time away from my household, but my thoughts and my understanding of myself also began to grow as I entered into my first serious relationship.
My relationship was a turbulent thing for such a variety of reasons, but what I really value from it is what I learned about myself both during and after it was over. While it was happening, I began to question values I had held my entire life because I had never truly thought about them on a deeper level. I worked to learn about myself and what I really believed instead of what the people around me said. I began to value actions more than words, because saying you want to do something or that you will is very different than actually taking the time to do it. I began to spend more time alone or with a smaller group of friends and I cut people out of my life that were not making me feel fulfilled.
After that relationship ended, my self-worth was semi-nonexistent. I felt like I had chosen to prioritize my relationship over nearly everything else in my life. My relationships, romantic or otherwise, are the most important aspect of my life. I care so deeply about the people I let into my life, and I am selective. It makes me nervous to get hurt, so I try to avoid it. Whether this is a wise tactic or not is up for debate. However, after this particular relationship was truly over, I struggled to find myself again.
I spent a significant amount of time alone and determining what genuinely made me happy without the influence of anyone else. My time alone was beneficial to me, and I enjoyed it immensely. It made it challenging to be more social though. The more time I spent alone, the more I craved it and was overwhelmed by loud and extreme situations. I'd always been better friends with extroverts, however, so this balance become a bit precarious. I worked to compromise with people, and my close friends learned to value my time to myself, because I needed it. So very much.
As I entered "adulthood," or my time after college, I feel that my introversion became more apparent to me. I had enjoyed socializing in college when I had the time and the energy to recuperate by myself after nights out with people. Once I was surrounded by others every day, all day for my job, I felt severely overwhelmed by the thought of socializing with large groups of people in my free time. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of others, because I do. I crave the closeness of good friends who I sincerely care about and who sincerely care about me. It's just hard to find those people or to have those people around.
I have come to terms with my own introversion, and I value my time to myself or with those I love and know love me. Recently, however, I have been struggling with my emotions when others want to spend time away from me. Put like that, it sounds exceptionally selfish, so I will attempt to explain a little more thoroughly. For me, I spend 8-9 hours of my day surrounded by people with few moments to myself at work and, ideally, 8 hours sleeping. The other 8 hours of my day really entail 1 hour of getting ready in the morning, 1 driving to and from work, 2 of doing chores/cooking/eating dinner/getting ready for bed/showering/additional travel time, and leaves potentially 4 hours for free time. For me, those 4 hours could include my doing extra work for my job or going grocery shopping or talking to someone on the phone, but do I really want to spend that small portion of my day with more people? Honestly, no.
If I'm spending the wide majority of my day with people, I want time by myself or with a person or two whom I truly love. I'm really not interested in spending that little time making small talk and making myself look presentable to people I don't know. It's stressful to me and drains so much energy from me. BUT-it's hard when those close to you want to spend those 4 hours you have with other people whether it be for work or because they enjoy that time and gain energy from that. It's challenging.
I'm finding it hard to not take it personally when people I care about are choosing to spend time away from me when I feel that I have so little time with them in any sort of capacity. I feel like I'm being selfish, but it's also so hard for me to comprehend intentionally choosing to spend 8 hours with people when it could be less time or the time could be chunked differently or so many different things. I'm feeling sensitive and slighted, and it's absolutely not fair for me to feel this way. We all have different needs, and I can't place the expectations for my needs on another, but how to find a compromise?
Being an introvert is hard and balancing one's expectations with an extrovert is even more challenging. The desires of another are complicated, and I feel that introvert's needs are especially misunderstood as antisocial. I don't feel it is fair to say that I'm antisocial, however. Socializing in large groups or with those I don't know is literally exhausting to me. What little energy I have, I prefer to save for those I care about, and I need my time alone to gain my energy back. It's a complicated system, and I am still working to understand my needs and the needs of others, but I think it is interesting. I want to continue to explore my emotions related to this subject.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Why All the Fuss about the Cat-Calling Video?
Hello blog readers!
Being in your early twenties is definitely a challenging time, particularly starting to enter the real world of work and beginning to understand the vast challenges that are out there. I decided to start this blog purely for my own benefit. I feel like I read so much every day about the world around me and have so many thoughts floating around my head that no one ever has the chance to see. So, this is my opportunity to share those thoughts without the pressure of others' personal opinions.
What I've been thinking about recently is the Hollaback! and Rob Bliss viral video on catcalling. When I first saw it, I really didn't feel that there was anything to be conflicted about. I've been to New York a number of times, live in a moderately sized city in the Midwest, have lived in a small/rural college town, in addition to traveling to multiple large cities in Europe and South America. I have experienced cat-calling in every city that I have lived in while in the United States.
Cat-calling in South America is a very different experience, partially because it is part of the machismo culture there. It is deeply engrained and the standards are quite different. While in Europe, I really don't believe I experienced cat-calling except in France where it was a bit creepy cause the guys were quite forward and would come up to actually have a conversation with you instead of simply calling things out. They were very persistent, as well.
However, I really feel that the worst I've experienced is in the United States. Now, I understand that people feel this video is controversial, mainly because of the racial issue. In my opinion, why should that matter at this moment? Not only were Bliss and Hollaback! not attempting to make a formal study out of street harassment (and if they were, I would be upset with the video), but they were not attempting to address the issue of race and how it plays with street harassment. That should not be the focus here, and if that is what people are choosing to focus on, they've clearly missed the point of the video.
The point of the video is to show everyone how pervasive street harassment is. It happens every day, every where, and women bear the major brunt of that harassment. So many men (and some women) have commented on the sites that have shared this video and expressed their opinion that women should be grateful for the compliments. They've stated that men are simply trying to be friendly, express their appreciation for the women around them, and start a conversation. While that may be true, it is harassment if it is unwanted.
It seems odd that men would say that they're trying to start a conversation with a woman while she's walking down the street. I don't know about you all, but I don't believe that I've ever conversed with a random stranger while walking down the street, male or female. It would make me uncomfortable, and I usually am trying to get somewhere, not have a conversation.
In terms of the excuses that men are expressing their appreciation for women around them or trying to be friendly, I would ask them to think about how they would feel if they were constantly bombarded by unwanted "appreciation," usually about their looks. While I wouldn't disagree that I like hearing compliments, I don't particularly enjoy getting them about my appearance. I was born looking the way I do, and hearing some random guy compliment me on my figure or eyes is not appreciated. It makes me feel uncomfortable and is something I don't really have control over. If he was complimenting my work ethic or intelligence, that may be a different story.
Additionally, if men really were just trying to be friendly, why wouldn't their comments extend to the opposite sex? I recently read the Buzzfeed article about #DudesGreetingDudes and loved it. I feel that it really expressed the problems I had with the excuses people were making for their behavior. I think that if people really just want to say hi, they should say it to people of both sexes. That would definitely help.
Going back to the race issue, I do understand why some individuals are upset with the representation of men in the video. However, I would ask people to realize that this is not a representative sample. It was not a formal study, and the creators were trying to choose the best examples of street harassment that they experienced within 10 hours. They were not choosing races; they were choosing behaviors. I, personally, have experienced street harassment from men of all races, including white men, especially in the small college town I lived in.
Numerous people have posted that over 50% of the video shows harassment from a street in Harlem. I would argue that simply because the creators chose to show the most offensive forms of street harassment, and they happened to be in Harlem, that does not give anyone the right to say that they are racist or that black men more typically harass women. Again, the creators of the video were making a point, and they wanted to show the examples from their personal experience that demonstrated this point the best. No one in any sort of academic community would ever use this video as research, because it isn't a normed sample of people. However, it shows that harassment occurs incredibly frequently on many different streets in one city.
I hope that men will stop making excuses for their behavior and genuinely consider how this cat-calling affects women on a daily basis. Women do not feel comfortable walking down the street in many places due to this harassment. How are women supposed to distinguish between the friendly greetings that are genuine and the compliments from someone who has the potential to harm them? There is no way to make that decision based on someone's appearance walking down the street.
I would ask all individuals to truthfully consider their behavior on a daily basis and not be defensive. We all have things to work on, and this is something instilled within our culture in the United States. Now that is has been pointed out in a broad fashion, please take it into consideration and work to improve it.
Being in your early twenties is definitely a challenging time, particularly starting to enter the real world of work and beginning to understand the vast challenges that are out there. I decided to start this blog purely for my own benefit. I feel like I read so much every day about the world around me and have so many thoughts floating around my head that no one ever has the chance to see. So, this is my opportunity to share those thoughts without the pressure of others' personal opinions.
What I've been thinking about recently is the Hollaback! and Rob Bliss viral video on catcalling. When I first saw it, I really didn't feel that there was anything to be conflicted about. I've been to New York a number of times, live in a moderately sized city in the Midwest, have lived in a small/rural college town, in addition to traveling to multiple large cities in Europe and South America. I have experienced cat-calling in every city that I have lived in while in the United States.
Cat-calling in South America is a very different experience, partially because it is part of the machismo culture there. It is deeply engrained and the standards are quite different. While in Europe, I really don't believe I experienced cat-calling except in France where it was a bit creepy cause the guys were quite forward and would come up to actually have a conversation with you instead of simply calling things out. They were very persistent, as well.
However, I really feel that the worst I've experienced is in the United States. Now, I understand that people feel this video is controversial, mainly because of the racial issue. In my opinion, why should that matter at this moment? Not only were Bliss and Hollaback! not attempting to make a formal study out of street harassment (and if they were, I would be upset with the video), but they were not attempting to address the issue of race and how it plays with street harassment. That should not be the focus here, and if that is what people are choosing to focus on, they've clearly missed the point of the video.
The point of the video is to show everyone how pervasive street harassment is. It happens every day, every where, and women bear the major brunt of that harassment. So many men (and some women) have commented on the sites that have shared this video and expressed their opinion that women should be grateful for the compliments. They've stated that men are simply trying to be friendly, express their appreciation for the women around them, and start a conversation. While that may be true, it is harassment if it is unwanted.
It seems odd that men would say that they're trying to start a conversation with a woman while she's walking down the street. I don't know about you all, but I don't believe that I've ever conversed with a random stranger while walking down the street, male or female. It would make me uncomfortable, and I usually am trying to get somewhere, not have a conversation.
In terms of the excuses that men are expressing their appreciation for women around them or trying to be friendly, I would ask them to think about how they would feel if they were constantly bombarded by unwanted "appreciation," usually about their looks. While I wouldn't disagree that I like hearing compliments, I don't particularly enjoy getting them about my appearance. I was born looking the way I do, and hearing some random guy compliment me on my figure or eyes is not appreciated. It makes me feel uncomfortable and is something I don't really have control over. If he was complimenting my work ethic or intelligence, that may be a different story.
Additionally, if men really were just trying to be friendly, why wouldn't their comments extend to the opposite sex? I recently read the Buzzfeed article about #DudesGreetingDudes and loved it. I feel that it really expressed the problems I had with the excuses people were making for their behavior. I think that if people really just want to say hi, they should say it to people of both sexes. That would definitely help.
Going back to the race issue, I do understand why some individuals are upset with the representation of men in the video. However, I would ask people to realize that this is not a representative sample. It was not a formal study, and the creators were trying to choose the best examples of street harassment that they experienced within 10 hours. They were not choosing races; they were choosing behaviors. I, personally, have experienced street harassment from men of all races, including white men, especially in the small college town I lived in.
Numerous people have posted that over 50% of the video shows harassment from a street in Harlem. I would argue that simply because the creators chose to show the most offensive forms of street harassment, and they happened to be in Harlem, that does not give anyone the right to say that they are racist or that black men more typically harass women. Again, the creators of the video were making a point, and they wanted to show the examples from their personal experience that demonstrated this point the best. No one in any sort of academic community would ever use this video as research, because it isn't a normed sample of people. However, it shows that harassment occurs incredibly frequently on many different streets in one city.
I hope that men will stop making excuses for their behavior and genuinely consider how this cat-calling affects women on a daily basis. Women do not feel comfortable walking down the street in many places due to this harassment. How are women supposed to distinguish between the friendly greetings that are genuine and the compliments from someone who has the potential to harm them? There is no way to make that decision based on someone's appearance walking down the street.
I would ask all individuals to truthfully consider their behavior on a daily basis and not be defensive. We all have things to work on, and this is something instilled within our culture in the United States. Now that is has been pointed out in a broad fashion, please take it into consideration and work to improve it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)