I've taken many years to become comfortable with my introversion. I was never one to thrive in large group settings or desire that attention, but I did want to be a leader. I wanted a relationship that would allow me to be myself but that would also push me to reach out. The friendships I sought out were typically people whose personalities attracted me due to their passion and kindness and, frequently, their extroversion and humor.
While growing up, I never really heard the terms "introvert" or "extrovert" in relation to my personality or how I learned. I've read a lot in recent years about what defines an individual as one or the other and what that really means. In all reality, it's not the label itself that is important to me, but what it stands for means everything.
During elementary and middle school, I never felt limited by my personality, but I was given opportunities to thrive based on my strengths. My memory was strong, and friendships at that time were based on being in the same class as someone or liking the same boy band. I helped others academically at school and had the surface-level conversations that were typical of the age group. However, as I got into high school and as I progressed to different levels of leadership, I began to feel anxious about my personality and about what I desired.
During high school, I had a solid group of friends both in and out of my school. I was always welcome at various lunch tables, could carry on conversations about popular culture, classes, whatever someone wanted to discuss...but I didn't enjoy it. I despised small talk and the inane conversations I ended up having with so many people on a daily basis. I wasn't feeling fulfilled by many of my friendships-our talk of grades, tests, celebrities, and other people in the school frustrated me. The people who I was drawn to engaged me in deeper thinking and spent quality time with me in a way that I had never really had before.
I never dated during middle or early high school. My friends sometimes made fun of me because I was so uninterested in that world, but, in my mind, it wasn't that I wasn't interested; I wanted someone who I really connected with and who valued me. I hadn't felt that until I was a junior in high school. I was obviously gaining independence and freedom in terms of being able to drive and spending more time away from my household, but my thoughts and my understanding of myself also began to grow as I entered into my first serious relationship.
My relationship was a turbulent thing for such a variety of reasons, but what I really value from it is what I learned about myself both during and after it was over. While it was happening, I began to question values I had held my entire life because I had never truly thought about them on a deeper level. I worked to learn about myself and what I really believed instead of what the people around me said. I began to value actions more than words, because saying you want to do something or that you will is very different than actually taking the time to do it. I began to spend more time alone or with a smaller group of friends and I cut people out of my life that were not making me feel fulfilled.
After that relationship ended, my self-worth was semi-nonexistent. I felt like I had chosen to prioritize my relationship over nearly everything else in my life. My relationships, romantic or otherwise, are the most important aspect of my life. I care so deeply about the people I let into my life, and I am selective. It makes me nervous to get hurt, so I try to avoid it. Whether this is a wise tactic or not is up for debate. However, after this particular relationship was truly over, I struggled to find myself again.
I spent a significant amount of time alone and determining what genuinely made me happy without the influence of anyone else. My time alone was beneficial to me, and I enjoyed it immensely. It made it challenging to be more social though. The more time I spent alone, the more I craved it and was overwhelmed by loud and extreme situations. I'd always been better friends with extroverts, however, so this balance become a bit precarious. I worked to compromise with people, and my close friends learned to value my time to myself, because I needed it. So very much.
As I entered "adulthood," or my time after college, I feel that my introversion became more apparent to me. I had enjoyed socializing in college when I had the time and the energy to recuperate by myself after nights out with people. Once I was surrounded by others every day, all day for my job, I felt severely overwhelmed by the thought of socializing with large groups of people in my free time. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of others, because I do. I crave the closeness of good friends who I sincerely care about and who sincerely care about me. It's just hard to find those people or to have those people around.
I have come to terms with my own introversion, and I value my time to myself or with those I love and know love me. Recently, however, I have been struggling with my emotions when others want to spend time away from me. Put like that, it sounds exceptionally selfish, so I will attempt to explain a little more thoroughly. For me, I spend 8-9 hours of my day surrounded by people with few moments to myself at work and, ideally, 8 hours sleeping. The other 8 hours of my day really entail 1 hour of getting ready in the morning, 1 driving to and from work, 2 of doing chores/cooking/eating dinner/getting ready for bed/showering/additional travel time, and leaves potentially 4 hours for free time. For me, those 4 hours could include my doing extra work for my job or going grocery shopping or talking to someone on the phone, but do I really want to spend that small portion of my day with more people? Honestly, no.
If I'm spending the wide majority of my day with people, I want time by myself or with a person or two whom I truly love. I'm really not interested in spending that little time making small talk and making myself look presentable to people I don't know. It's stressful to me and drains so much energy from me. BUT-it's hard when those close to you want to spend those 4 hours you have with other people whether it be for work or because they enjoy that time and gain energy from that. It's challenging.
I'm finding it hard to not take it personally when people I care about are choosing to spend time away from me when I feel that I have so little time with them in any sort of capacity. I feel like I'm being selfish, but it's also so hard for me to comprehend intentionally choosing to spend 8 hours with people when it could be less time or the time could be chunked differently or so many different things. I'm feeling sensitive and slighted, and it's absolutely not fair for me to feel this way. We all have different needs, and I can't place the expectations for my needs on another, but how to find a compromise?
Being an introvert is hard and balancing one's expectations with an extrovert is even more challenging. The desires of another are complicated, and I feel that introvert's needs are especially misunderstood as antisocial. I don't feel it is fair to say that I'm antisocial, however. Socializing in large groups or with those I don't know is literally exhausting to me. What little energy I have, I prefer to save for those I care about, and I need my time alone to gain my energy back. It's a complicated system, and I am still working to understand my needs and the needs of others, but I think it is interesting. I want to continue to explore my emotions related to this subject.
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